Train Wrecks
Job 13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.
I recently took Haydn to see this guitarist that actually came through small little Burlington way back in the early seventies and was a part of forming my lifetime passion of playing. This guy was and still is so amazing in the expression of not just a bunch of well placed notes, but the wonderful emotion for which they were intended. There is a certain ‘rightness’ in his playing that goes beyond analysis and critique to the mere gratification of how it feels to experience it. His mastery of the instrument is most obvious, but for me the part of his performance that calls to me for emulation most is the music itself and its beckoning to come be a part of making something so beautiful.
My efforts to do so were provided with a means that I understood would guide me on that path towards mastery, upon which I’ve set myself at varying degrees throughout my life. While the exercises and studies definitely have proven to be helpful, I’ve found there to be many opportunities along the way to doubt them. I believed that I could play anything, perform as I’d seen many guitarists, and experience that wonderful exhilaration of musical expression if I would just commit my life to the diligence of the process. Though there definitely was progress made, there have been many times when there was a loss of memory or a finger missed a note and the experience that was supposed to be so wonderful became torturous. For me, with my passionate desire to produce something that would represent the music well, it would be almost as if death were upon me and my performance would have no merit in my mind because of even one lapse. And, often there were compounded problems that would result from one falter, as confidence was challenged and serious doubt in this whole process was nurtured. Perfection has been so persistent in staying just beyond reach, yet there is something that has kept me going back to the scales and firing up the metronome again. I will continue to give myself to the process of developing performance enabling technique, not because I have found it to be flawless, but because there is this undying passion that revives after the faltering and promises yet again that the relationship with the music itself is worth pressing past the apparent death imposing train wrecks. There are certainly new techniques and new methods to which I can apply myself that may have improved results. I am committed, though, to the path and doing whatever is within my understanding to somehow inch towards perfection. I’ve been hooked by the promise of a wonderfully gratifying relationship with musical expression – I must go on.
Some time ago, my heart was also captured by this passion for relationship with the God of Creation, an incredible experience that ensures eternal fellowship, comfort, protection, guidance, inspiration…. For this relationship to thrive, though, and for there to be a full realization of God’s purpose in it, there is, like my quest for guitar performance, a need for perfection. While there is assurance of forgiveness for the seemingly endless failures to fulfill that requirement, it is necessary, nonetheless, in order for His goodness to be experienced in a performance that represents Him well. I have, from that early age, been presented with a process for reaching that perfection and living in a realm where everything is possible with God. But, I’ve also been presented with many reasons to question and doubt this process, based upon the many ‘train wrecks’ that have taken place along the way. The prayer that was supposed to make everything all right resulted in someone dying, lost relationships, personal failures, financial lack…
It would seem that my given process just doesn’t work, that there really isn’t any reason to ‘go back to the scales and fire up the metronome again.’ I might have given up on the process so many times, but there has been something that has inspired a return to the Word and the practice of His presence again and again. Nothing will ever take the place of the awesome moments I’ve experienced in the presence of my Lord, when my performance was not an issue because of Christ’s righteousness all around me and in me. To know Him and to be with Him is no longer an option for me. I’m forever taken by the wonder of His music, and whatever means at my disposal to live and move and breath in Him will be utilized for it to grow in me. Even though it would appear that death would be a part of that process- to my old ways, my old thoughts, to my flesh, and even to my physical body- I can never give up on what’s been spoken and written of Him and its application to my life. My failed performance will not equal a failed process, and the way to Him will always be returned to and embraced. Train wreck or no train wreck, I must play the music of His presence and grow in the ability to represent it well.
There will be challenges to our faith, when the chasm before us seems impassable and our own failures so contrary to our expectations and hopes. Where a heart has been taken by the dream and the promise of faith’s author, though, there must be a passionate return to the way He has made. It will ultimately be His performance that is the perfect one and to be part of this, living in Him, will be the only way to gratify the heart’s longing for His music.
Psalms 27:4 One thing have I desired of the LORD, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the LORD, and to enquire in his temple.
